INTERNAL HOME MEMO 2024 (as amended)
FROM: FATHER
TO: ALL DEPENDANTS &
RELATIVES
CC: WIFE (CHIEF OF STAFF)
DATE: May 17, 2024
SUBJECT: COST CUTTING MEASURES FOR YOUR URGENT ATTENTION
Due to; the fuel subsidy removal and the Naira mess up, which led to the current economic situation, the hike in prices of goods and commodities and non-increment in salary, no palliatives, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation going to be accepted.
- The KITCHEN and all PANTRIES are declared RESTRICTED Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from myself upon submission of written request with genuine reasons
- BREAKFAST is BANNED. This matter cannot be discussed!
- Such food items as chicken, BUTTER, EGGS, BREAD and MILK are RESTRICTED. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to me in triplicate, with three days’ notice, giving justifications backed by a qualified dietician report working with Teaching hospital as supportive documentation.
- BOILING of WATER is HIGHLY PROHIBITED and bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is BANNED unless there are medical reasons.
- NO dependant shall ENTERTAIN FRIENDS INDOORS, and any attempt to offer them FOOD, DRINKS or even MUSIC will attract severe PUNISHMENT. All guests shall be entertained with WATER ONLY (sachet NOT bottled water) and those who want their guests to listen to music shall SING for them.
- All VISITORS intending to spend a NIGHT/WEEK or more shall APPLY in triplicate and give two months’ notice, with an endorsement from their town VILLAGE HEAD or CHIEF IMAM giving convincing reasons why they are leaving THEIR HOMES. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away at the gate upon arrival
THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!!!
Signed:
DAD
Chairman of Home Affairs and Head of the House.
