BEFOREFACE

Back again, from the mentalchanic workshop, with the loose nuts screwed tighter this time.

A lot has happened since you were hit by my first salvo of loose nuts (I hope you were delightfully wounded) and  again same old issues are still lingering on….kidnappings, strikes, banditry, boko terrorism, scarcity of potable water, scarcity of money and scarcity of decent spinsters and bachelors.

Jona has gone and sai Baba has entered.

A TOAST TO DEMOCRACY

Aha! Goodbye to, ‘pello Nigerians, I, Major Ozuego Oluwole Kudiyazo, in keefing wit de twadishon of my fwedecesors announce a chonji in de gwanment of de Pedral Refublic of Nigeria……….and welcome to, ‘ I, Chief Dr. Alhaji Obiageliego Tunji Mahmud, take this oath as the President of the Several Republics of Nigeria…’

Great stuff this democracy is! Imagine:

ANIMAL EMPIRE

George Orwell will definitely be proud of Nigeria.

Nigeria’s re-enactment of his Animal farm (Animal Empire) won 4 Oscars at the Award ceremony in the great beyond.

The ‘Animal Empire’ film won:

The best dramatic representation of national ignominy award.

Best actor award – Mr. Snake Eke

TOXIC MEDIA

John was so bored and was just gazing at the ceiling in his one-room apartment. He picked up his phone and started fiddling with it. Then a thought occurred to him and he let out a sardonic smile.

He started writing a post for his Facebook page…….

‘A reliable source inside the Presidency said he overheard Buhari discussing with King Jong Un, the Leader of North Korea, about a possible assistance in nuking the whole of South East ….

THE POLI‘TRICK’CIAN

The Politician (pardon the dirty word) is one creature you probably won’t have a splitting headache wondering whether he is from Heaven or hell, a Saint or sinner.

Never thought that a creation of God (?) will be so endowed with so much evil ingenuity, surfeit of devious machinations, devoid of emotions, rich in mind-blowing sophistry, double faced and lacking in delicate morals.

ROCK POWER

Rock is hard enough and Power is a Five-letter mega monster. Bigger and bangier than any known explosive! Combine the two and you’ll get a frightening combination.

Please, I am not talking about the power you need to beat up people or lift weights.

I am not talking, either, of electricity form of power.

We are here talking about the ultimate power, in Nigeria – Aso Rock 1million megawatt Powerhouse!

THE WHISTLE BLOWERS CLUB (WBC)

Never knew that there was so much money in blowing the whistle, these days, and I have been throwing jabs at referees!

A bad tackle gets a yellow card from the whistle blower

A horrendous tackle gets a red card from the whistle blower

NOW, the new age whistle blowers don’t give cards but get hard cash

‘SIN’ATOR BUM

“Wake up darling, it is 11a.m”, the lovely damsel was tugging ‘Sin’ator Bum’s Arabian silk nightdress. He was still snoring and unmoving. She tapped him repeatedly on the shoulder and then shook him. No reaction. She was now very worried and then thought of something.

POLITICAL ETIQUETTE

This is a course for Poli’trick’cians only. So, if you are not one, turn to the next topic…..what the hell! You might as well read on so as to update your knowledge on the guiles and caprices of those smooth operators.

These are the Political Etiquettes (diplomatic protocol) for Nigerian Poli’trick’cians:

THE POWER TRIPOD

It has to be three. It could easily be 900 but we have stuck with the Big Three for ages.

We have the three-leafed clover, the triangle, the tripod and, for divine sake, the Holy Trinity! Please let’s squeeze in the Three Wise men, for effects, and the famous Three Musketeers for comical relief.

DUMBO’S GUIDE TO DEMOCRACY ENGLISH

RESTRUCTURING – When a child attains the age of 18, he is legally free to leave his father’s house and start fending for himself and when he grows up and has resources, he will be giving his father some of his resources every month to sustain him at his old age so he won’t collapse.

DEMOPHYSIOLOGICRATIC STRUCTURE

Nigeria became a full-grown boy in 1960 but hasn’t grown up fully, despite his loud baritone voice.

The Calamity, called Nigeria, is carried by 140 Million 900-Tribed humanoids.

Of the 140 Million, 135 Million are on the verge of poverty-induced extinction, One Million give Chinese food to their dogs, 200,000 are uniformed bandits,

THE GOVERNOR’S DIARY

SUN 11^th – I was booed by my Parishioners after service. Father John’s sermon must have incited it. How could Christians behave so disgustingly after I had donated a princely 25,000 to the church development fund? I really must consider Alhaji Gambo’s suggestion to change to Islam.

THE HONOURABLE INTERVIEW

The Reporter waited for an hour, in the lavishly furnished sitting room, before Honourable Mugu squeezed his massive frame through the door to meet him.

REP: Good Afternoon Honourable Sir.

They shook hands and the Honourable slumped on a Chair. He let out a loud belch, broke a loud wind and picked his nose.

THE COMMON MAN’S MELODY

The Common man could be defined as one who bears the brunt of humongous malversation and groans under the weight but can’t do anything about it….even his vote won’t count during an election!

The Common man is really getting confused, among other mental, physical and social destabilising factors.

MY DEFINITION OF

DOWRY                 A little money for a lot of trouble.

BRIDE                    The cub that will grow to be a Tigress.

WIFE                      A Household Technician in charge of domestic reconstruction,                  

                               culinary therapy,  environmental sanitation, and Chief of staff.

MY 100 RANDOM MUSINGS 

• Rigging is a devious act of numerical manipulation as a political strategy by the cowardly for the acquisition of votes for an undeserved position and impending loot.
• The mythical Phoenix always rose from its ashes but Nigeria’s ash has been blown away in all directions by the hurricane of corruption.

MAN

The First Man (Adam) must have been so incensed, by the incredibly delicate and highly sophisticated divine surgical removal of one of his ribs by the Creator, that he bestowed a legacy of rage on other Adams after him.

What do we have now?…….

WOO-MAN

In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. On the Sixth day, He created the Beasts of the Earth. Then on the Sixth day, He created Adam to have dominion over all the Earth and everything that creepeth.

One night, as Adam was sleeping, after the naming ceremony, God came and played a prank on him. He removed one of his ribs (in the most delicate surgery ever) and He then vamped up a modified Beast, which He forgot to create on the Fifth day……

WAR OF THE GENDERS

The females are now set to invade the exclusive world of men. Slowly and steadily, they have infiltrated the porous boundary of mandom. It is war, folks.

They are advancing, at an alarming celerity, armed with their own arsenal of deadly liberation bombs, men-seeking missiles coupled with their diplomatic wiles and guiles……

WHAT IS HUMOUR?

I rather not discuss about Politicians again and……Oh, I’m writing about humour!

Humour is the comic hormone that nourishes our protean disposition with the fertiliser of laughter that elevates our spirits to a natural high when harvested.

FACING HUMOUR

‘O mirror mirror on the wall, can’t you just lie about my appearance for a change?”

It’s been there since you were born .You may like it but people may hate it .You may hate it and so may people. You may not like to destroy it, but people would love to.

ROOTS AND TAPROOTS

In case you never knew, I’m related to Obaraku Obamalu….sorry Barack Obama to you. I really feel passionate talking about my cousin, so please forgive me.

Bullshit! You say. How can I be related to him?  Roots, I say. But his root is in Kenya and yours Nigeria, you say. Trans-national genetic forces, I say. It goes like this:

PAPER LIFE

What is that item that controls our lives more than anything you can think of? Paper.  Paper?

Yes………..Pieces of paper.

Funny as it may sound but think about how pieces of paper have regulated and held your life to ransom since you were born.

THIS IS LAGOS

The message at the toll gate on entering Lagos used to be, ‘Welcome to Lagos – the city of aquatic splendour’. Very lovely and welcoming greeting. But now, it is THIS IS LAGOS!!! Harsh, brash and uncouth xenophobic statement.

It is like saying, ‘you are now in Lagos so behave yourself. We don’t take rubbish here so if you mess up we will mess you up so…shine your eye o’.  

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

I had always thought nature as a fair-minded Mother till I met Josiah.

Josiah isn’t much of a handsome man. In fact, he is a bit on the unattractive side.

Euphemism apart, Josiah is bloody ugly, period.

I wouldn’t say he is fat but whenever he stands under the shower, it would take a couple of minutes for the water to circumnavigate to his feet….

OKORO AND DAUGHTERS (NIG) LTD

The Quotation and accompanying Brochure he requested for arrived. He read it:

‘In reference to your request for information on our available stock, we have the under- listed Stock available. Others are under production’:  

ITEM 1: Grade C – Good 20 year-old stock……………………………………………   60,580

ITEM 2: Grade B – Very good 18 year-old stock (slightly spoilt)………………….59,850

KICK ASS LTD.

Are you tired of being pushed around?

Have you been trashed lately by a Bully?

Do you have a headstrong Creditor?

Is your Landlord giving you nightmares?

In fact, do you have anyone you want to teach a lesson?

Don’t look any further. We are the best. We are KICK ASS.

TERMINATOR PLC.

You have suffered enough, you know.

You’ll do something about it, you know.

What you’ll do about it, we know.

We know endurance has a limit.

We, also, know that Life is cheap and that is where we come in. We are TERMINATOR PLC.

MY STORY

I, Marcel, Ejimofor, Richard, Edobor, Azodo, Manafa (phew!) do solemnly swear that (practising for my Presidential oath taking as it’s my turn…) I was born in Benin City, by a carefully calculated mistake

AFTERFACE

I hope you enjoyed the crazy and fun-filled journey to my land of wit.

The loose nuts are now finally (?) tightened and hope they won’t be loose again or I’ll………….

It is true that if you want to tell somebody the truth, without hurting his feelings, say it jocularly.

There is a depth of an unimaginable magnitude in the superficial innocence of humour. It is meant for you to laugh at and then ruminate over.