1) Why did the coach bring a pencil and paper to the match? He is expecting to draw!
2) What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
3) What do you call sleeping with the same girl your friend is sleeping with? Crop rotation!
4) What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!
5) Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
6) What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
7) How do you organize a space party? You planet.
8) How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
9) I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
10) Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
11) What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.
12) What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
13) Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
14) The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
15) How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
16) I always wanted to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.
17) Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? He’s a fungi.
18) I’m on a seafood diet: When I see food, I eat it.
19) What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
20) Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
21) Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
22) What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
23) How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
24) Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
25) Why don’t sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
26) Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the moo-vies.
27) Why don’t lobsters like to share? They’re shellfish.
28) Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
29) What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
30) What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe.
31) What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.
32) What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics.
33) What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.
34) The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
35) What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
36) I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
37) What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
38) Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it.
39) How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
40) Why did the robber jump in the shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
41) I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
42) Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.
43) What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.
44) Why did the student eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
45) My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.
46) ”Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
47) My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
48) I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
49) Need a friend? Call me. A laugh? Call me. Need money? This subscriber is not available at the moment…..don’t try again.
50) A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Instagram” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
